This is my second check-in. It has been a bit of a rough go the last couple weeks.
I started the two weeks strong– walking 4-5 days per week and strength training, and then I fell. Walking through a door, I fell hard on my right side. For a couple days I felt as though I had been beaten up because I was so sore. Getting back into walking and strength training has been difficult.
In addition, it is cold out where I live. Going outside at 6am to walk has become incredibly undesirable. Even getting myself out of bed to walk on my treadmill in the basement has been hard.
The combination of falling and how cold it is in the morning has meant I need to rethink about my workout habits and restart. I am trying to figure out what will make this more doable. More next week.
Eating to Support My Goals
While exercising has been difficult, eating healthy has been going well. I have been primarily eating fruits, vegetables, and brown rice. I have been eating small amounts of chicken and fish. I was concerned a couple weeks ago I was eating too little because I was eating about 1200 calories so I increased the number of calories to 1400. I am not sure what to make of this, but I put back on 1 pound. This is very disheartening. I am not sure if this is because the amount I am exercising is decreased (although exercise alone is not good for losing weight) or if my portions have gotten more generous. I will be weighing and measuring everything this week. Regaining that pound was demoralizing.
Being Mindful With Money
The good news is that I dramatically cut down how much I am spending on books and other miscellaneous things that are impulse buys. I also was only over our food budget by $40 for the month of January. The bad news is I was unable to dramatically lower my credit debt because of necessary car repairs, medical expenses, and the cost of new prescription glasses. Again, this month has been a bit demoralizing.
Unplugging From Screens
The last couple weeks have been pretty depressing– too cold, hurt, gained back a pound, too many bills, etc. I overindulged in watching television. I don’t even really like The Vampire Diaries, but somehow I am on season 6. Sigh. I have also done well watching some documentaries. Ugh. I need to regroup on changing this habit.
At first I was doing very well and increasing the amount of time I was meditating. Then I chained meditating to my exercise habit and it all fell apart. I need to regroup on this one as well.
Ugh. Not the most successful couple of weeks. I have felt depressed and backslid on these habits. I am a bit disappointed in myself for not staying the course and working my way through the fall, the bills, etc. Life happens and I want to be able to cope with life better and maintain my good habits.
More on all of this next time as I keep working on this and journaling.
This is my first check-in on this blog. I figured I would just describe how my week went in regards to exercising, eating to support my goals, budgeting and being mindful of my money, unplugging from screens, and meditating.
The good news? I exercised 4 days this week. Two of the times I was supposed to exercise I didn’t. One of those times, I was just too worn out from the week to do much. The other time I didn’t do the exercise first thing in the morning and the day got away from me. I learned I need to do my exercise first thing in the morning if I want to make sure I get it done.
About the exercise I did do– walking on the treadmill is kind of boring. I try to get screen time in on the treadmill, but it is still dull. Walking outside is much better.
I have been working with a coach from Nerd Fitness. For strength training, she gives me sets of exercises to do with nerdy names like “Pushing Back Ozymandias” or “ROW-schach”. So far I have not been able to keep straight what exercises are in these sets. I try to do all the exercises in the sets. Sometimes the exercise bands I have don’t work for the exercises and so I swap something I know how to do for what is in the sets. I feel it is going ok.
Eating to Support My Goals
This week I ate under 1500 calories every day. This is good. I had a handful of days that I ate too few calories and was outside of my target range. This is not so good. Eating too few calories will mean I will lose weight, but it also means I may not have anywhere to go to lower my calories more.
I also did not eat all of my vegetables. I have been trying to eat 2 cups of vegetables every night for dinner. That’s a lot of vegetables! Well cooked vegetables are yummy. Sometimes I just get tired of eating and I don’t eat the vegetables.
Being Mindful With Money
I am following a budget. I had two unexpected hits to my budget this week. I was able to roll with things, but the net effect will be that my overall budget has to be adjusted. I am still working that out.
Budgeting is a funny thing because it forces you to think about what is important.
For instance, making music is important to me. I had to decide if guitar lessons were important enough to become where I spend the majority of my disposable income.
What I purchased outside of necessities: rented 2 Spiderman movies (indulgence, but I tried to checking them out of the library first), art supplies such as pens and a ruler and 2 easels.
My household stayed within our budget for food this last 2 weeks! I made some progress paying down the credit card. I feel overall like I am making some headway, but I shouldn’t have rented the Spiderman movies. I did that kind of on impulse after the DVDs from the library didn’t work.
Unplugging From Screens
I tried. In this category I did not do very well. Some days after work I am so exhausted I cannot even get myself to read. I have dinner and then I just want to sit and not do anything. Watching TV fills the gap. It doesn’t offer me much. I mean how many vampire teen soap operas can one watch? I am trying to figure out the fatigue and the work life balance of this.
I enjoy meditating. To build new habits I chain them to other habits. Meditating I chained to working out and every day I worked out, I meditated. I want to find another way to build mediation into my day because I enjoy it! Trust me I never thought I would say that.
Currently, I am meditating in 7 minute blocks. I want to increase the length of time I am meditating to 20 minutes over the next month or so. I am finding on days I meditate I have more cushion to cope with life’s stuff. Also, I am noticing my own thoughts much more and able to consciously reframe some of my thinking. This is a good thing.
Overall, I would say I made some progress. Trying to journal and be mindful of these various habits has put me in touch with how isolated I feel right now. Some of the isolation is due to the COVID pandemic and some to my habits. I say this because I have not been what one would call a social butterfly for a long time, but the effects of the isolation are hitting me.
In addition, I have been struggling with work and life balance. It’s easy to over work. Even though I have been cutting back for several months, I still need to be mindful and take breaks. I often feel so burned out by the middle of the week and I think this is contributing to more use of screens. Stuff to figure out. More next week.
This blog is a brand new blog and I am starting at the beginning. I started this blog as a sister blog to my other blog, The Stars Are Not Made of Fire. It’s not pretty– yet. I haven’t fiddled with the widgets and uploaded all the jazzy plugins. Maybe I won’t because, I want to keep this as real as possible.
I am posting to Walk On this Earth to document my process and for my own accountability. It’s public. Anyone can read this. I hope you will join Team Annette. This is a leap for me.
I am getting older and it is time to do things a bit different, wring a little more out of this existence. This assessing the past, letting it go, facing the future, getting out of comfort zones, — it is very scary stuff. But it is impossible to change without doing things a bit different. (Isn’t there a definition of insanity somewhere in there?) While The Stars Are Not Made of Fire is about my reigniting my creative endeavors, this blog is about my journey to cut through the habits keeping me from making intentional choices, finding meaning, and enjoying this life to the fullest possible.
Let’s talk about some of those habits of mine. Maybe you have some of these too? This post is going to be a bit longer because it lays out where I am starting as of starting this blog. None of what I am writing about has to do with “morality”. It is not about how rotten I am for not exercising or not being a vegan or overspending. And I will never scold anyone or even suggestively shame anyone into exercising, eating this way or that, decluttering, unplugging, or whatever. This blog and this post is about starting where you are, making changes, and doing the work to be more present.
Expecting Exercise to Be Like It Used To Be
At one point in my life I trained to do a triathlon. I ran everyday, swam three times per week, and biked everywhere. I was FIT.
And that was thirty years ago.
In those thirty years, I had three children, my immune system attacked my thyroid and I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s disease, and I gained 70 pounds and lost it and regained 58.5 pounds. In part due to medical whackery and my autoimmune system’s hijinks, I quit exercising.
But humans are made to move. And I don’t want to stay in my current level of fitness. I want to feel better in my body. Running used to be a joy! Biking felt like flying! I may never be able to regain what running or biking felt like previously. Further, wanting to try to be fit does not mean that I should just begin a rigorous regime of physical fitness. (I kind of hate the word “should”.) It does mean that if I want to get in better shape, despite my treacherous autoimmune system, I have to try new approaches, observe the results and how these approaches make me feel, and begin to do the work. I cannot count on that my body will respond to walking or weight training or biking as it once did. I have to try and experiment. And leave my past behind.
Eating to Support My Goals
I have always eaten a relatively healthy diet– lots of vegetables, fruit, whole grains, etc. I was a vegetarian for most of my life and was writing a vegetarian cookbook. And then I got Hashimoto’s disease.
Fast forward to now. I track what I eat. This is the only way for me to make connections between how I feel, my weight, and what I have eaten. I don’t eat gluten or dairy. I do eat some soy because it doesn’t seem to have as much impact on my thyroid antibodies, however, I am mindful of what soy products I eat. I do eat fish and fowl.
I have tried more diets than most people: keto (yuck), AIP (yikes), paleo (too much emphasis on eating protein), Weight Watchers (didn’t lose any weight), etc. After researching weight loss and subsequent weight regain, I can say the picture is not an optimistic. Losing weight is one endeavor and keeping it off is another. Lowering how many calories you eat in a day, every day, affects your metabolism. Between the Hashimoto’s disease, past dieting, limited exercise, menopause, etc. I cannot eat as I once did. At roughly 1500-1700 calories per day, I maintain my current weight. If I lower my calories, I may be able to lose weight, but if I lower my calorie intake too much, I may sabotage my efforts to get all the weight off and then keep it off. And that is a hard reality to face.
I am currently in the process of changing how, when, and what I eat. I am working with my doctor. I have to keep track of what I eat and do things a bit different.
Shopping Is Not Therapy or Socializing
Do you have more stuff than you ever use? More books than you will ever read? More fabric than you will ever make anything out of? How many t-shirts do you own?
I love the internet. I remember when I was in high school and to get information I had to order books through my local library and it took forever. Now I just type what I want into a web browser and BAM! information is right there. Which also means I can shop more merchants than I ever dreamed possible. Browsing Amazon for all sorts of stuff is too easy. I can spend money on anything and have it shipped to me– far too easy. I can sign up for trial subscriptions and it will just charge my credit card.
Getting new stuff is kind of a thrill. I can honestly say that I love when I go to my mailbox and there is a new book there.
Most of my life I have had to be very frugal. In the past this was a skill that got me through some very trying times. At present, I make a pretty good salary and I like my current job. I am fortunate to have a job that I both like and it supports my family. However, I want to do more with the money I am making. I sat down over this last week and analyzed my budget, my income, and my expenses. I examined carefully what I spent money on and I can spend more mindfully.
Last year I read Cait Flanders’ The Year of Less. This book made an impression on me. It has taken me a year to get to the point where I want to declutter, not spend money unless it is essential, and examine my current relationship to money.
Unplugging From Screens
Over the last couple years, in part due to COVID, I have spent a ridiculous amount of time in front of one screen or another. For the last decade or better, I have chosen to spend a good chunk of time in front of my computer– writing, learning to code, researching, etc. I don’t consider any of this a bad use of screen time. In addition, because of COVID, my normally only done in person job went virtual. It was necessary to limit spread of the virus and to keep folks around me and myself healthy. I am grateful we were able to move to virtual services.
But let’s talk about social media and television.
Facebook. Sometimes, I have to unplug from Facebook because the posts can be so negative, because I get ridiculous and expect people will “like” my posts, because the ads are incessant, because the misinformation is rampant, because it doesn’t show me posts from people I like, etc. Facebook is not even close to any form of reality. And yet I spend way too much time checking social media. This is time not doing other things. And I am not sure I want to allow Mark Zuckerberg to have so much control over my mental health and my thinking.
Speaking of time spent not doing other things… I watch crazy amounts of television. This last couple years have been difficult. Sometimes I turn on the television just to have human voices in the background. Every time I turn on the television, it means I am not doing art, writing, reading, walking, cooking, riding my bicycle, etc. Most of the general medical recommendations for children say to limit television watching to 2 hours per week. There are no recommendations for adults. However, there are studies suggesting a link between the number of hours people spend watching television and rates of obesity.
Imagine watching 2 hours of television per week. That feels very unrealistic to me. I typically watch more than 2 hours of television per day currently. Not bragging. This is where I am at right now. If you watch television for hours a day and you are good with it, no worries. For me, this isn’t working. It’s easy to just lay on my bed and watch TV, but I don’t feel good afterwards. I feel kind of sluggish and I have a sense that the television watching is anesthetizing me. I want to be more present. Watching television feels contrary to my goal to be more present.
I recently read Dan Harris’ book titled “Meditation for Fidgety Skeptics”. It made a great impression on me. I have a pretty non-stop brain. I crave information. Often it feels like there are 15 different trains on 15 different tracks rushing through my mind and I am a pretty good engineer keeping all the trains running smoothly. It can be exhausting.
In addition, I have a tendency towards workaholism. And we have all been through a pandemic. And life has not always been easy.
I have tried to meditate in the past. It did not go well. Lately, since reading the Dan Harris book, I have been trying again. When I do meditate, I feel refreshed. I want to strengthen this practice to help me be more present. Maybe help me with all the feels as I shift away from the habits allowing me to sleepwalk through life?
Lots of Change
At this point you may be thinking I am looking to change a lot of things. It feels like that to me and I actually started to shift my habits over a year ago by shifting my mindset.
As an aside…I will be honest, I could not get to the point of identifying habits to change until I was willing to recognize I was depressed and anxious, working too much, and headed towards an early grave.
A second aside… I don’t have magic bullets. No straight forward answers. I am a work in progress. Over this next year I am hoping to keep moving forward in what I want to accomplish. I have no guaranties, other than I probably will screw up at some point. I would like to repeat: this blog is to help me be accountable.
Further, if you are reading this and thinking of making changes to your own life–I cannot stress enough how important it is to get any help you may need. Changing health habits is not as straight forward and easy as everyone thinks. There is no just do blah and X result will happen. There are reasons for why we do things. It’s good to have people in your corner and on your team. Sometimes you need people to turn to to find solutions when you are stymied. I have been working with a therapist for over a year, a functional medicine doctor for a few years, and recently began working with a coach through Nerd Fitness. Big change is not something to do alone, you need support. Changing how you eat, changing how you spend time, etc. may not feel seismic, but it makes waves. Being present means feeling all the feels. For some folks, that is not a fraught reality. For others, it means healing and this can be complicated.
Time to begin this journey and walk on this earth.
at middle age starting at the beginning, making changes, and doing the work